I think that I should stop to clarify some things here.  I hadn't been going through life thinking that my hair was my only attribute.  I have always had the love and support of family and close friends.  For lack of better reasoning, my mind was playing tricks on me.  My insecurities, although ridiculous, were becoming real for me.  I've never walked away from a challenge although some do say I'm passive agressive.  I don't think that anyone could see the signs of emotional distress on the outside because I hide them so well.  I am, afterall, an actress and someone who internalizes a lot.  From time to time my mother has said that I am secretive, but I prefer private.  I love to help others, but I have a hard time asking for help for me.  Perhaps if I was better at organizing, I would make lists of what I need/want.  Like most things, I keep those thoughts in my head and close to the vest.  I am so used to being alone, physically.  I live alone and do most things alone so I would have to rethink the way I do things in order to figure out what I actually needed help with and then be able to communicate that to someone without feeling totally helpless.  This is way too much work for me and in my mind it is just easier to do it myself.  Call it what you will, but it's just been my thought process.  I am getting better, but it takes time. 

Wait...before I get to Lee I have to tell you about Big D.  Big D is my boyfriend(bf going forward).  It's so weird. He and I never use titles so the fact that I am referring to him as my bf is major.  I have to start out by telling you that Big D is my rock.  I never signed up for this and he certainly didn't.  Although Big D and  I aren't headed to the altar just yet, we have been through sickness and health and he has been there every step of the way.  If you've ever been sick, you know that you go through different stages and mood changes.  Chemo drugs heighten that.  Big D has never faltered.  He's always pushing me to be better.  He is one of the most positive, even-tempered people I know. 

Despite this, I still had some trepidation about what he would think of me when I started losing my hair.  Big D and I talk everyday sometimes multiple times throughout the day.  I always keep him abreast of my health and he is always inquiring.  We are in a long-distance relationship and have been for four years.  I know, it seems crazy that I would have any reservations about his feelings for me, but I was in a situation completely new to me.  I went out of my way to keep him from seeing my hair when it really started to fall out.  I was wearing the wig and even kept it on as I was going to bed.  I was wearing a stocking cap under the wig so when I took my hair off, I had the stocking cap on.  At one point, my hair was so thin that I didn't need to wash it.  I couldn't remember when I had washed it.  After at least 3 weeks I went to the hairdresser to get my hair done.  I got a wash and set with the little hair that I had left.  I could see through my hair completely.  I put a bebop cap on and had a few flip curls peeking out from underneath the cap.  When Big D saw me his face lit up.  He said, "Hey, you got your hair done.  See, you still have hair."  I smiled at him thankful for his kind words.  I went to use the bathroom, but I was really looking to see how I could style my hair without the cap.  When I heard Big D coming, I quickly pu the hat back on.  I was mortified, but I did everything I could to hide it and keep the smile on my face.  I don't know if Big D suspected anything, but if he did he never let on.  He just kept positive and kept smiling.  For that, I am eternally grateful.

I was feeling better one day at a time.  It is amazing how people still need some sort of validation from others and I am no exception.  The little things do mean a lot.  And to be honest, deep down I knew that people wouldn't abandon me, but I let those little insecurites creep on in.  I was more worried about the sympathy.  I couldn't deal with the "poor Daph" looks and sentiments.  I know that human nature causes people to react in their own way, but what I also knew/know is that I can affect those reactions.  People feed off of my energy.  If I was ok, they would be ok.   So, I had to be ok.  I had to continue thinking and being just as positive as I had been before the physical changes started to take place.  It seemed easier before my hair loss because I looked like everyone else.  I was able to assimilate and hide behind Daphane.

The reality was that I was Daphane Johnson and I had Cancer.  I had not let myself accept the fact that this was happening to me.  It felt like I was having an out of body experience and watching someone else go through this.  I was just going through the motions and didn't have time to really digest what I was going through until I saw it.  I had been powering my way through every step of this process as if I were power walking through Manhattan and taking no prisoners! 

Enter Lee.  I was lucky to have a friend who understood my plight.

I was being reborn one hair at a time.  This was definitely not what I had planned or envisioned for myself in any way.  I mean, who could or even would...really?  I felt like Sampson in a way.  My strength was in my hair or so I thought.  Although, I never said it or publicy acknowledged it...my hair was my thing.  I should probably rephrase that.  My hair was my cover.  I had been blessed with a full head of hair at birth.  I never had to think of what I would do without it until now.  Let's face it...I had taken my hair for granted and neglected the other gifts that I had been given.  Now that I no longer had the cover, it had been decided that  I needed to take the time to focus on and develop those other gifts.

I didn't let my inner struggles and angst show on the outside.  I have always kept a strong face and pushed those feelings of self-doubt and uncertainty down.  Obviously it was time for me to address them.  I had been so concerned with everyone else's feelings and anticipating what they would say to me and/or about me.  For someone who considered herself to be full of confidence, I was showing all signs to the contrary.  I really had to question who I was.  In my heart of hearts, I knew that I was worried about superficial nothingness, but it was still there...for a reason.  I had to find my strenght through my weakness.  Is vanity one of the seven deadly sins?  I feel like it is.  I will have to do some research. 

Each day became a quest to find and claim my authentic self.  Whether she is exactly who I thought or someone completely different, it's my mission to discover her and put all of those other selves to bed.  That mission was almost immediately tested in the following days when my reveal became more widespread.  As soon as I left my office floor, everyone had comments.  Most people were just shocked to see "the new me."  Some were speechless and others had plenty to say.  Isn't it interesting how people love to share their opinion of your choices when it isn't asked for?  I received so many comments on my hair.  Here are just a few for you:

"You look so chic...like a French actress."
"Is it a New Year's resolution?"
"Why did  you cut your hair?  I liked it better long."
"I can't believe you cut your hair."
"What made you decide to do that?"
"I love the cut.  It really shows off your face."

In each of these instances, I refrained from making any comments of my own.  There was one comment that stands out above all of the rest and makes me smile to this day...

"Hey, there's something different about you.  Are you wearing different eye shadow?"

In an instant...I felt better.

I answered my own question.  I was turning into someone that I didn't want to be.  It sure wasn't my authentic self.  Besides, wearing the wig was becoming TOO MUCH WORK!  You see, if you put the wig on you automatically have to start the make-up application.  What's the purpose of wearing the wig if you aren't going to be totally fabulous? 

That's when I decided to start from scratch.  I would make my bald debut at work.  I was given a bit of a reprieve because I had to wear a hat outside.  It was January and still very cold.  I walked into the building all peppy as usual, greeting everyone in sight.  When I got to my desk I took off my coat, scarf, and gloves and sat down.  It took me another 10 minutes to work up the nerve to take of my hat, but I did it.  A short while later my mail guy, Ro, came by.  Ro comes by every morning and every evening.  Each day he greets me with a "Goooooood Morning."  And yes...it sounds just like that.  Hold the good for about 10 seconds:)  This morning Ro was his usual self and didn't skip a beat.  He didn't comment on my hair at all.  I know he noticed, but he didn't say a thing.  1 down and God knows how many to go.  The next thing I did was go right over to my girlfriend Katherine.  I just walked on over to her cube to say "Good Morning" and ask her a question.  I was my usual self so when Katherine turned around her eyes got big and she opened her mouth and exclaimed, "Daph!  Look at your head!"  I kept a very deadpan face and said, "Yeah, it's my head."  This was such a significant moment because it was almost exactly one year earlier that Katherine had a dream in which I came to work bald.  I was my usual happy self and I had a bald head.  We both remembered that dream. 

Katherine gave me her usual bear hug and I continued on with my day.  Later in the afternoon my friend Lee came over to see me and his words were, "I don't know how you got here, but your hair looks very nice."  Lee has always spoken to me with such sincerity.  I always feel what he is saying, even if I don't hear it.  Each of these three people were integral parts of my "rebirth."  In their own distinct way, they each gave me the confidence to move forward.

So, I suspect that many of you can relate to my "wig woes."  I never felt truly comfortable in the wig.  Although it looked stylish, I felt like a phony and that everyone knew that I was wearing a wig.  I know that women wear wigs everyday and no one thinks anything of it, but not me.  People have asked me if my hair was a weave and told me that my hair looked like a wig for years.  I was always proud to say "no" to both.  When I was in high school there was a television commercial for a haircare product with a woman walking down the street shaking her hair.  She said, "When they say great body I don't know if they mean my figure or my hair."  That became my mantra, if you will. 

Losing my hair was a test of character.  I had always considered myself to be strong, confident, and very self-assured.  I was labeled an extrovert.  Losing my hair chipped away at my self confidence and even caused me to question my beauty.  Would men still find me attractive?  How could they if I didn't even find myself attractive?  You see, a wig is reserved for people with a reason to wear it.  Entertainers like Tina Turner, Cher, etc...They wear wigs as part of their act.  It transforms them into their "character."  Who was I transforming into?

I have been wearing a wig for the past month and I have decided not to wear it anymore.  You see, I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Disease and have been undergoing chemotherapy treatments for the past few months.  My hair is very strong and held up for a good while, but it has thinned to the point that I can't wear it out anymore.  That's why I started wearing the wig.  The wig is tres chic and I was even dubbed "Fabulosa" when I wore it.  It's a very clean, chinese-bob type style.  This wig is so fly!  I even wore it to my dance class at the gym.  That is until it almost flew off while I was bouncin' to the beat and swinging my head.  Good catch!  The instructor and I caught eyes and had a good laugh about that.  "Uh oh!"  Hey, I was really into the music and choreography and literally "Sweated My Wig Out." 

I have to admit that the wig isn't the most comfortable thing.  I had to keep adjusting the back of it so it wouldn't stick out and the strap felt tight on my head.  This could be due, in part, to the fact that I didn't wear the wig cap. I did at first, but it just wasn't working.  That combined with a sweaty wig that hadn't been washed called for a second wig.  I bought a second wig that I thought would give me a different look and extend my wig-wearing life.  It's a straight shoulder-length with bangs and copper highlights.  It looks similar to the style I was wearing before.  I wasn't 100% sure about buying it, but they made me feel so good in the beauty supply store that I went for it.  Hell, I even walked out of the store with the wig on and received instant compliments.  Me being me, I had to start playing with it as soon as I got home.  The bangs looked like they needed to be trimmmed so I pulled out my handy-dandy scissors and went to work.  This is very reminscent of my childhood when I used to give my Barbies barbed haircuts:)  I trimmed the bangs to the point where I felt comfortable and they looked decent.  I don't know what possessed me to do what I did next...I thought that they needed to be straightened a bit more so I turned on my flat iron.  I took a section of the bang and began to straighten when I heard the singe.  Oh snap!  My wig is burning!  After throwing water on the wig and trying to straighten out the forever-singed bangs, I gave up.  I guess I won't be wearing this wig afterall.  That was a complete waste of money.  I would have to be Fabulosa for a little while longer...or would I?

Later that night, while I was asleep I had a vision.  Well, it wasn't exactly a vision, but some words came to me, a couple of catch phrases.  The first was "Stop making yourself uncomfortable to make everyone else comfortable."  What did this mean exactly?  I wasn't sure, but I was also still asleep.  The second mantra to come to me was "Kiss My Bald Head."  That was it!  When I woke up the next morning, I realized that those words came to me to tell me to stop wearing the wig...I don't need it.  It's time to go All Natural...All Bald.