I was determined not to let the treatments overtake my life completely.  I had to quit using the TV as a crutch.  It was keeping me inside and allowing characters to invade my dream sequence.  as I said, I was going through some intense moments, but I didn't let the emotions become visible to others.  I think that the only giveaway was my skin.  It started to look dull as the weeks went by.  I felt as though I was looking a bit more drawn in the face although no one commented.  I had also gained some weight because of the steroids I was being given.  I didn't gain a huge amount of weight, but it was enough to have me wearing a size 8 at one point.  I am normally a size 4.
With some diseases, vanity is the first thing to go, but not cancer.  It was important for me to attempt to maintain my outward appearance so I got up, got dressed, and put on my makeup each day.  If you look good, you feel good!  I could not afford to have anything derail my spirit.

To all of my loyal readers, please know that  have not abandoned you.  It has been almost two months since my last post and while I apologize for my abrupt departure, it was with good intention.  I had originally planned to pen my memoir in paperback, but I decided that a blog would be the best way to start.  After blogging for many months, I decided that I needed to be writing the full-length version in the form of a work to be published.  We are now in 2009 and I feel that everything has happened to re-focus my attention on this effort.  With that being said, I am working on my book and hope to share details about it as I progress.  Please feel free to email me and share any thoughts or comments you may have.  I'll be looking for some of you to critique my literary efforts as I value your opinions and insight.  I am, however, still maintaining my sister blog, www.independentcitygirl.com  This is the other half of my life and makes for some interesting reading and funny things that happen along the way.  IT'S ALL TRUE!!!

Thank you for your continued support!  Remember, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.  Live the life you've imagined."

The side effects of the Neulasta kicked in exactly 48 hours after the shot.  It happened just like the doctors said it would.  I started to feel achy all over and feverish.  I really felt like I had the flu.  It took all of the strength I could muster to get around.  I was feeling fatigued and just very blah.  I definitely wasn't going to work.  I had to stay home and just relax.  I was so tired and I wanted nothing more than the comfort of my bed, but the aches and pains were in control and determined to keep me awake.  I was able to lie down and I nodded off periodically.  I was having all sorts of crazy dreams...everything from Matt Damon as Jason Bourne making me a sausage-egg casserole to 50 Cent waiting for me after my treatment.  I dream on a regular basis, but this was even a little out of the ordinary for me.  I guess being doped up tends to enhance your dream sequence.  Just know that I would rather have taken Ambien as opposed to Neulasta. 

While taking Neulasta, I wasn't able to do much of anything except sit up and watch TV.  I didn't feel like eating or doing anything that required movement beyond my fingers pressing buttons on the remote control.  The television became my best friend and at times...my lifeline.  The effects of the Neulasta and the chemo wore off about 7 or 8 days after the treatment.  That gave me a few feel good days before my next cycle.  I had never been good about sticking to a schedule or even keeping one before this, but it became imperative so that I could plan around the days when I was feeling as close to 100% as possible.  During this time, I could go out and shop, meet-up with friends, or do anything that would normally require energy.  The treatment was wearing on me.

My schedule was becoming quite predictable and quite routine.  I got myself ready for work the next day and went about my business.  It would be a day of work and I would leave a bit early to head back over to the treatment center for my shot of Neulasta.  No matter how hard I was trying to keep my life upbeat, the cancer was becoming a real drag.  This is what I was thinking on the inside, but I never let it be known on the outside.  I am a pretty good actress.  Wait...I am a GREAT actress!  No one knew a thing.  If they did, they sure didn't let on.  I was making that trek from the Eastside to the Westside two times a week every other week.  I was working out a little bit in the gym, but the real workout came from that street walking on a daily basis.

Speaking of working out...I thought that it would be a good idea for me to try to stay in shape and keep physically active as I was going through treatment.  I rejoined the New York Sports Club franchise.  This was something that I felt I had control of and I needed to feel that.  I started my routine by attending a bevy of classes offered at the gym.  My favorite was the hip-hop dance class and it would be the one that I would stick with.  Not only was I able to keep my body physically healthy, the exercise was also great for my mental state.  It gave my mind a release and during those 55 minutes, I was in step with everyone else.  I have always been comfortable in my own skin, but this time I was in a position that I was totally unfamiliar with and I would just have to see how it played out like everyone else.  I had been in and out of the gym over the years, but I just didn't stick with it.  This time I had real purpose and a need to be in the gym, far greater than any other.